he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
