Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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