I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
