Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Randomize
