i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
