I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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