1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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