i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
