the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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