im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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