"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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