im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
