I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
