Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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