We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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