haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
