At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
