I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
