sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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