I cannot find my penis.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom