is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
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she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
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I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up