she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
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I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
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A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers