so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
