worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
