living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
