Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
