He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
