I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
