If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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