omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
