so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
