thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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