It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
