I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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