I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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