Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
