my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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