He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
