her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Pants are for mortals
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
