nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
