I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
