i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
