So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
