Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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