I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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