someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
