I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
that is very illegal...i love you.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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