I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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