I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
