Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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