i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
