I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
