Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
