You're a womanizer and a bitch.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
