I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
50% drunk capacity currently
whose parrot is this?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
