Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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