My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
this hospital has no fireball
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
