I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
