So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
