just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
