Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
