maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
